7 month Anniversary

I've recently landed a gig in NYC and finally have some friggin' income (thank the gods). As I navigate this very new and very different chapter of my life I find myself regularly musing, reminiscing and reflecting on my time in Peace Corps Armenia. Readjustment took a long while and was at times so overwhelming my thoughts were either a jumbled mess of alphabet soup or utterly blank. Back in early April of last year we had a Close of Service conference over two and half days where we discussed readjustment and wrapping up our two years. During one session I felt that familiar whir of poetic wheels turning in my head and took pen to paper. The poem below, written then is still (as I expected it to be) my sentiment. Hope you enjoy.

 

You and I will sit with our wine inside our luxury
We will say remember her or him, remember them?
You will laugh with your mouth wide open
head thrown back, wrinkles creasing your eyes.
The cycle of counting months accumulated,
then remaining, and accumulated again far behind us.
This country’s
blaring horns and bleating sheep
its dirt and dust covering everything
its acrid smell of burning leaves and trash.
Long summer dusks and their sun darkened hands.
Winter’s lonely cloak, and Spring’s celebrated return.
Sitting silently for lack of words in either language
to describe
the roughness against our fragility
in a strange land where our history met theirs
and payment came in the form
of understanding smiles, unexpected kindness
the innocent admiration of children
and it was enough.
You will say remember?
And I will,
I will.

From Whence You Came

Dear Readers,

Welcome to my new blog! I have told some close friends about it and while it is still in zygote form, I am prematurely putting it out there in an effort to focus upon it more. This blog will be different than my Peace Corps blog in a few ways. For one, I'm no longer in the Peace Corps (woo-hoo), and while I will be using my deeper senses of self and interpersonal awareness developed over the 2 year stint in Armenia, this blog is going to be more reflective and big-picture. 

I decided to start this guy a few weeks ago when, for not the first time in my life, my plans went awry. I had just learned that after 8 months of anticipation, I would not be traveling to Netala, India for my yoga teacher training program. I learned this news at the hands of the seventh or so doctor I'd met over the last week. He explained that the severe uveitis I had been suffering from would take another 3-6 weeks to finish its course and that the severe back pain I'd been experiencing over the last two months was correlated with the inflammations of my iris and cornea. The handsome resident I'd washed my hair for sat in silent discomfort as the MD explained I was looking at the possibility of arthritis, and needed to get tested for the gene marker HLA-B27. 

I left that office with my ride, because the cloudiness of my vision prevented me from driving, trying not to cry. I wasn't going to India and this eye issue was not the end of my problems. I didn't have a job, medical insurance (2 months after service we become ineligible for coverage of ailments unrelated to service), or any real idea what the future would look like. I told a good friend I felt 'purposeless', which is perhaps the most alienating of all feelings. If I've ever had anything when it felt as though I'd had nothing, I had my writing. A few days after the big bad news I was standing in the shower ( ALL of my good ideas arise while in some space or other of water) and decided I wanted to start blogging again, that I needed start blogging again.

 Over and over again I have bore witness to individuals unintentionally or intentionally isolating themselves when tough times arise or just simply functioning in that way. Being both extro- and introverted, blogging has become a great vehicle to reach a large audience while simultaneously keeping my energy to myself. On this blog I will write about topics I mull over so much that they need OUT of my head, and recurring themes which I find myself repeatedly discussing with friends. I'm going to put my ideas on sexuality, healing, and relationships (perhaps some of my poetry too (yikes)) out into the universe via this very blog. 

So cheers to new chapters, to journeys, to ups and downs and hopefully all of us eventually finding our way.

Love and Kisses,

Carolyn